Here is the sentence:

Eli held the phone on his lap, trying to work up the courage to call the beautiful Leodine. All the while, his foot jiggled, his nostrils flared, and sweat was collecting on his upper lip.

When you list grammatical items, you must use parallel structure. Here, his foot jiggled and his nostrils flared are two short main clauses with simple past tense verbs, but sweat was collecting on his upper lip does not have the same form, wrecking the parallelism. Well done, grammar gourmet!

To fix the sentence, change sweat was collecting on his upper lip to his upper lip sweated.

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